My Guyliner blog is thirteen years old next week, and I\u2019ve been reviewing Guardian Blind Dates for nine of those and, I must confess, I\u2019ve been wondering whether it\u2019s time to wrap things up. Have I run out of things to say, finally? My childhood teachers thought this day would never come. However, on two separate occasions this week, and completely unprompted, two people I didn\u2019t know told me how much they enjoy these reviews, so I thought I might as well hang around a bit longer.<\/p>\n
And thank goodness I did because look what two hours on Vinted brought me! This adorable pair! We have support worker Se\u00e1n, 26, and 25-year-old Sam, who\u2019s a social media executive.<\/p>\n Read what happened in full on the date on the Guardian website<\/a> \u2013 the trousers are NEVER mentioned, which is a travesty, I love them \u2013 before we come back here for the Blu-ray director\u2019s commentary or whatever.<\/p>\n Interesting that apps are still not seen as the \u2018conventional\u2019 way to date, when they\u2019ve been around for so long now \u2013 since Se\u00e1n was about 13, in fact. Perhaps this is the lingering stranger danger fear we\u2019ve inherited from a generation or so up, who still think meeting a data processor on Hinge is a surefire way of ending up murdered or, worse, radicalised into voting Tory.<\/p>\n Beware of whirlwinds. If you must experience that frothy headrush,\u00a0maybe stick to a nice whirlpool jacuzzi instead, or perhaps sit inside a dishwasher for half an hour.<\/p>\n I\u2019m assuming Se\u00e1n means Sam had a nice arse, rather than a pleasing nape, or fascinating shoulder blades. The jacket is what I would politely call \u2018striking\u2019, and brings back memories of lots of girls at my university wearing similar as the nineties circled the drain.<\/p>\n From the 90s to the 70s. Now I know how my mother must\u2019ve felt when smiley pop acts started doing low-rent hi-NRG covers of the soul bangers she bought on 7\u2033 in the 60s. Your past becoming an ironic trend or nostalgia fodder for talking heads shows is more sobering than a surprise trip to Dignitas for your wedding anniversary The locks are great, though. Very Beck, I thought, and he was \u2013 yes we\u2019re back there again \u2013 the 90s, a decade in which the 70s were very big again. Oh it\u2019s all so confusing. Next!<\/p>\n Poetry<\/strong> \u2705 \u2013\u00a0I can recite only one poem from memory, by Gyles Brandreth, from a poetry anthology we had at school. It\u2019s called Ode to a Goldfish<\/em> and goes:<\/p>\n O (I think, I\u2019m not googling. And yes, I did English Literature for A-level.) As for writing a poem together, this is very sweet but OMG poetry is so risky. Being exposed to someone else\u2019s writing is a terrifying prospect for me; it gives so much away. Imagine if you were really attracted to them and thought they might be the next Wordsworth or Sylvia Plath or whatever, and it turned out they struggled to come up with anything more sophisticated than \u2018One Potato, Two Potato\u2019<\/p>\n Lana Del Rey<\/strong> \u2705 \u2013\u00a0My top five Lana Del Rey songs: Abba\/Janet Jackson<\/strong> \u2013 Now, them, I do love. (Fave songs: Lay All Your Love on Me for ABBA, Nasty for Janet.)<\/p>\n I don\u2019t know if you mean \u2018pernickety\u2019 \u2013 do you mean she was annoying? I do think it\u2019s very sweet how they interpret a server being incredibly rude as some kind of romantic sign. We must protect their innocent hearts.<\/p>\n Whores? How bad were the acoustics? I mean, as comedic misunderstandings go, I think even the writing room at Not Going Out<\/em> would toss this on the \u2018only if we\u2019re desperate\u2019 pile.<\/p>\n Oh tapas, great. Seven dishes of not quite enough of anything and far too much of one thing you ordered by mistake thinking it was meatballs. (This is a joke. I like tapas. No furious comments please.)<\/p>\n It is quite hard to fish glorified canap\u00e9s out of a terracotta ramekin without making a mess so I\u2019m sure the waitress was very understanding.<\/p>\n Inquisitive<\/strong> \u2013 Like a squirrel with a spare set of keys to the local newsagent. Charming<\/strong> \u2013 Like school uniforms would be if you could wear a pussy bow blouse and a sequinned shrug instead of a blazer and tie. Ah I hope so too. I\u2019m sure you were, what lovely young boys we have here. Better than the usual riff-raff etc etc. I feel quite paternal about these retro-jacketed lads. I can imagine them having long, lovely afternoons flipping through clothes rails of ironic T-shirts in one of those musty vintage landfill shops in the arches at Stables Market. (Is that still there?)<\/p>\n Hahaha. Oh I\u2019m not one to advocate binge drinking these days but if you\u2019re queer and young, and on a first date, and you can handle your \u2018ale\u2019, you might as well get shitfaced. I say this as someone who hasn\u2019t had an alcoholic drink in three and a half years, this is the most bonkers era to be sober at all times.<\/p>\n Borough Market. I used to live round the corner. I like the idea but at the weekends it\u2019s like being kettled by Boden and Ocarro, and the smell of raclette makes you feel like you\u2019re fighting your way out of the inseam of a cage-fighter\u2019s unitard. I say as a former local: the pubs round there are mainly heinous, except the Gladstone. The Grapes used to be OK, too, I suppose.<\/p>\n Oh Se\u00e1n. That day will come. At least you still have your honour.<\/p>\n Well, the easiest way to get cracking on that second stanza is to get in the same room.<\/p>\n Regular readers or just the instinct of a rainbow couple knowing you can only score a 10 if you \ud83d\udc49\ud83d\udc4c and a 9 needs a kiss? Either way, it\u2019s a double 8 but, as sure as Padam Padam isn\u2019t done climbing the chart yet, this score has definite potential to make it all the way to the top spot because\u2026<\/p>\n My, my.<\/p>\n The paperback of my third novel THE FAKE-UP is out now and you can buy it wherever you like to get your books. Support your local bookshops, please, because they are run by great people, but if you\u2019ve been barred from your local bookseller for \u2018an incident\u2019, you can also find it on Bookshop.org<\/a> (which supports indie booksellers), Bert\u2019s Books<\/a>, Waterstones<\/a>, Foyle\u2019s<\/a>, and Amazon<\/a>.<\/p>\n And yes, I have a Substack<\/a>. Most of it is free. Latest post:<\/p>\n The comments I make are based on answers given by participants. The Guardian chooses what to publish and usually edits answers to make the column work better on the page. Most things I say are riffing on the answers given and not judgements about the daters themselves, so please be kind to them in comments, replies, and generally on social media. Daters are under no obligation to get along for our benefit, or explain why they do, or don\u2019t, want to see each other again, so please try not to speculate or fill our feeds with hate. If you\u2019re one of the daters, <\/i>get in touch<\/a><\/em>\u00a0if you want to give me your side of the story. Did you manage to make it to third verse yet?<\/i><\/p>\n Sam and Se\u00e1n ate at La Gamba<\/a>, London SE1<\/em>. Fancy a blind date? Email blind.date@theguardian.com<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n![\"Se\u00e0n](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/theguyliner.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/Sean-and-Sam-full.png?ssl=1\")
<\/a>Se\u00e1n | Sam<\/span><\/h5>\n
What were you hoping for?
To try a more conventional style of dating, outside apps, and put an end to my unfortunate dating streak.<\/span><\/h5>\nWhat were you hoping for?
A whirlwind romance straight out of a Nancy Meyers or Richard Linklater movie. Failing that, a nice meal.<\/span><\/h5>\nFirst impressions?
Walking into the restaurant I saw him from behind first and thought this has potential. I also loved his jacket.<\/span><\/h5>\nFirst impressions?
The 1970s. Se\u00e1n has a gorgeous set of locks and a tache to be proud of.<\/span><\/h5>\nWhat did you talk about?
Pop culture. My poetry book. Janet Jackson. Vinyl hunting. Our top five Lana Del Rey songs.<\/span><\/h5>\nAs well as his devotion to Abba and our mutual love of Lana Del Rey, we wrote a poem together.<\/span><\/h5>\n
Wet
Pet!<\/p>\n
Lolita
Hope Is A Dangerous Thing For A Woman Like Me To Have \u2013 But I Have It
Treats in the Usual Place
You Don\u2019t Have to be Mad to Work Here, But it Helps
Did You Know There\u2019s a Special Railway Under London, No Not That One, a Different One, Like For Letters or Something<\/p>\nMost awkward moment?
A pernickety waitress in the pub we went to afterwards started using our table as the holding space for menus, cutlery and napkins \u2013 enclosing us so we had to sit closer and closer. We thought she might be the matchmaker in disguise!<\/span><\/h5>\nMost awkward moment?
I told Se\u00e1n a story about hawks, but he misheard and thought I was talking about a similar-sounding word (not ending in K). I\u2019m glad I could clarify that one before the end of the evening.<\/span><\/h5>\nGood table manners?
Very good. Though, we were at a tapas restaurant so getting crumbs on the table was inevitable.<\/span><\/h5>\nGood table manners?
We apologised to the waitress for the amount of mess on the table.<\/span><\/h5>\nDescribe Sam in three words
Inquisitive, cultured, warm.<\/span><\/h5>\n
Cultured<\/strong> \u2013 Like that yoghurt that\u2019s been sitting (on its SIDE) in the egg tray of your fridge since Liz Truss tanked the country.
Warm<\/strong> \u2013 Like a greeter in an airport lounge whose fourth illegally obtained diclofenac of the morning is finally kicking in.<\/p>\nDescribe Se\u00e1n in three words
Charming, kind, poetic.<\/span><\/h5>\n
Kind<\/strong> \u2013 Like a tall handsome man in the supermarket who sees you struggling to reach the top shelf and offers to retrieve whatever it is you\u2019re after. Sadly it\u2019s haemorrhoid cream and he suddenly remembers there\u2019s somewhere else he has to be.
Poetic<\/strong> \u2013 Like the justice should B**** J****** ever trip over a suitcase full of cheap chardonnay and fall headfirst into a waiting open sewage pipe.<\/p>\nWhat do you think Sam made of you?
I hope he thought I was good company and interesting to spend an evening with.<\/span><\/h5>\nWhat do you think Se\u00e1n made of you?
Is he an alcoholic?<\/span><\/h5>\nDid you go on somewhere?
An old pub in Borough Market that we both agreed had an 1850s Oliver Twist vibe \u2013 specifically Oom-Pah-Pah from the musical version.<\/span><\/h5>\nIf you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be?
That we had kissed.<\/span><\/h5>\n<\/a><\/p>\nIf you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be?
To finish the poem we started.<\/span><\/h5>\n<\/a><\/p>\nMarks out of 10?
8.<\/span><\/h5>\n8.<\/span><\/h5>\n
Would you meet again?
We have a date in the diary.<\/span><\/h5>\nSe\u00e1n has promised to take me to Abba Voyage. It\u2019ll be his ninth time.<\/span><\/h5>\n
<\/a><\/p>\nDid you like this?<\/h5>\n
<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\nSomething to remember about the review and the daters that I put at the end of every review<\/h5>\n
Like this:<\/h3>\n