In a week where the negroni finally usurped the latte as the ultimate signifier of the metropolitan elite \u2013 you can buy it in cans in Tesco, catch yourself on, it\u2019s as elite as Coke Zero \u2013 we have, for your delectation\u2026 your adorable guncles who pressed a tenner into your hand every time they saw you, have stories about your mum that you definitely do and don\u2019t<\/em> want to hear, and are eagerly anticipating the day they can cry at your wedding!<\/p>\n Meet Tim, 65, a retired actor and decorator\u2026 does this mean he\u2019s retired from both acting *and* decorating, or did he act and now he decorates? Was that his niche, acting and decorating at the same time? Must\u2019ve been a bit of a nightmare for the director; you\u2019re there trying to wring the emotion out of a lull in a lesser known Agatha Christie when your butler starts splashing apple-blossom white on the window frames. Anyway, his date is\u00a0Patrick, 59, a teacher.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Read the full thing in the Guardian<\/a> then return here for highlights.<\/p>\n TALL<\/strong>, like the Eiffel Tower Kissy. Good sign.<\/p>\n ENTERTAINING<\/strong>, like anything Natasha Lyonne is in. Dogs. It\u2019s dogs. Sorry to all cats. Dogs are much harder work, I get it, and crouching in the middle of the high street trying to scoop a pile of Labradoodle evacuation into a tiny black bag is certainly one of the Top 40 most harrowing experiences I\u2019ve lived. But dogs. Aw, dogs. Good doggy. (Never \u2018doggo\u2019, please, if you can eat solid food you probably shouldn\u2019t say that.) Cats have their own charm and they seem to like me fine, but you never know what a cat is thinking, although it\u2019s probably, \u2018God, you\u2019re pathetic\u2019. My friend sums up the difference between dogs and cats: if a dog was bigger than you, it would probably lick you to death; a cat, however, would eat you, starting with the head, like a Lindt Easter bunny.<\/p>\n I have to say, hats off to them for managing to make it through the date when there are prawns shell. I just\u2026 what an awful experience it is. I remember going out for a friend\u2019s hen weekend dinner \u2013 I\u2019m a gay man born in the 70s, I get to go on those \u2013 in a beautiful baby pink shirt and ordering some kind of prawn pasta dish \u2013 PASTA! This was 2009 and I went to the gym four times a week \u2013 and then it arrived it was essentially a prawn mausoleum, flooded by tomato sauce. Shirt ruined. Fingers stained red for two days. Relationship with prawns ended. I\u2019m not one of those simpletons who says \u2018I can\u2019t eat anything with a face\u2019, but I draw the line at ripping something\u2019s head off. I can\u2019t eat tomatoes now either, so that really was the last days of Rome in the culinary stakes.<\/p>\n Anyway, if they can still make f\u2022ck-me eyes at each other after watching them disembowel shellfish and send crumbs flying everywhere, then that is (yet another) good sign.<\/p>\n Other than here and the various inferior ripoffs of this column in other, more boring publications, does the concept of a blind date even exist anymore? I mean, most of us now are Google-able. Even if you do it the old-fashioned way and are set up by a friend, you\u2019ll ask to see a photo and the chances are they\u2019ll be able to locate one. Yet another thing tech has taken from us: the terrifying reality of turning up for a \u2018blind date\u2019 and realising that Nosferatu was real and is waiting at the end of the bar, stirring a negroni with his one long fingernail.<\/p>\n Cheeky how? Like a Nando\u2019s or a can of G&T on a delayed LNER to Darlington? Or maybe cheeky like a postcard from the end of Blackpool Pier, or a gif of Barbara Windsor\u2019s bra flying off in Carry on Camping<\/em>? Or more likely cheeky in that flirtatious way where you gently nudge at one another\u2019s boundaries (the good kind, not the Jonah Hill kind) and almost dare each other to say something that takes it from \u2018Well this has been a lovely evening\u2019 to \u2018Let\u2019s frot in the back seat of an Uber\u2019.<\/p>\n For a moment there I misinterpreted the \u2018never feed me unpeeled prawns\u2019 and thought Patrick had actually fed Tim at the table, which made me think:<\/p>\n But anyway. I sympathise, Tim. Pushing aside the detail about the dog-related injury, this is all getting quite \u2018camera briefly focuses on happy gay couple at a wedding in a Richard Curtis movie before going back to whatever the boring straights are doing\u2019, doesn\u2019t it?!? Yay.<\/p>\n Oh Patrick is American! Hence the kissy! And kind of being less uptight about prawns and crumbs and\u2026 everything, really.<\/p>\n TWENTY. Double ten! Qualifying statements! I have been reviewing Guardian Blind Dates for exactly nine years this weekend and double tens are vanishingly rare and still a huge buzz.<\/p>\n Me right now:<\/p>\n This is the thing when you get older. If you feel it, don\u2019t fight it, f\u2022ck playing hard to get, just go for it, cards on the table \u2013 who has the time to do otherwise?<\/p>\n Go guncles! We did it, Joe!<\/p>\n Impeccable Table Manners<\/em> is taking a break for a while.<\/strong> My weekly newsletter, The truth about everything*<\/a><\/em> will continue. Please do subscribe \u2013 a lot of the content is free!. This week: the six hairdressers you meet in hell<\/a>.<\/p>\n The paperback of my third novel THE FAKE-UP is out now and it makes a big difference if people buy it, believe it or not! Get it from Amazon<\/a>, Waterstones<\/a>, Bookshop.org<\/a>, Bert\u2019s Books<\/a>, or indeed anywhere you like.<\/p>\n The comments I make are based on answers given by participants. The Guardian chooses what to publish and usually edits answers to make the column work better on the page. Most things I say are riffing on the answers given and not judgements about the daters themselves, so please be kind to them in comments, replies, and generally on social media. Daters are under no obligation to get along for our benefit, or explain why they do, or don\u2019t, want to see each other again, so please try not to speculate or fill our feeds with hate. If you\u2019re one of the daters, <\/i>get in touch<\/a><\/em>\u00a0if you want to give me your side of the story. Have\u00a0you been to see the\u00a0show yet? And is it a Sondheim?<\/i><\/p>\n Patrick and Tim ate at Sale e Pepe<\/a>, London SW1. Fancy a blind date? Email blind.date@theguardian.com<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n![\"Tim](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/theguyliner.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/07\/Tim-Patrick-full.jpg?ssl=1\")
<\/a>Tim<\/span> | Patrick<\/span><\/h5>\n
First impressions?
Tall, beaming, kissy right off the bat.<\/span><\/h5>\n
BEAMING<\/strong>, like the Cheshire Cat trying to make the best of 36 months of wearing train-track braces.
KISSY RIGHT OFF THE BAT<\/strong>, like\u2026 I don\u2019t know, I\u2019ve never heard of \u2018kissy\u2019 before except when seeing \u2018Kissy Sell Out Mix\u2019 in brackets after the titles of various frantic gay club bangers.<\/p>\nFirst impressions?
Entertaining, polite and handsome.<\/span><\/h5>\n
POLITE<\/strong>, like the waiter who\u2019s clocked your top is from Primark and helpfully recommends the second-cheapest wine on the menu.
HANDSOME<\/strong>, like someone you are probably quite up for banging, hence being \u2018kissy right off the bat\u2019<\/p>\nMost awkward moment?
Dogs v cats \u2013 we got through that minefield like true gentlemen.<\/span><\/h5>\n<\/a><\/p>\nGood table manners?
Laughing, talking and eating at the same time is never a pretty sight, but I like to think we rose above it. Though our waiter might disagree.<\/span><\/h5>\nPerfect! Watching him shell the prawns was like a masterclass.<\/span><\/h5>\n
<\/a><\/p>\nBest thing about Patrick?
This was his first go at a blind date and he took to it like a pro.<\/span><\/h5>\nBest thing about Tim?
Cheeky in the best possible way, and super attentive.<\/span><\/h5>\nWhat do you think Patrick made of you?
Tall, loud, never feed me unpeeled prawns in a messy sauce? Also the dog had bitten my nose the day before but he coped manfully with my stomach-turning disfiguration.<\/span><\/h5>\n<\/a><\/p>\nWhat do you think Tim made of you?
Good company and a different perspective as an American in London.<\/span><\/h5>\n<\/a><\/p>\nAnd \u2026 did you kiss?
Two big smackers.<\/span><\/h5>\nYes, as we said goodbye. Then we realised we were going the same way so I got another kiss one stop later. Win-win!<\/span><\/h5>\n
<\/a>Marks out of 10?
A big fat 10. He\u2019s a great guy. I felt lucky to meet him.<\/span><\/h5>\nMarks out of 10?
10.<\/span><\/h5>\n<\/a>Would you meet again?
Yes, hopefully we are meeting again to go out later in the summer.<\/span><\/h5>\nYes, we are going to see if we can see a show this summer.<\/span><\/h5>\n
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To support my work, consider leaving me leave me a small tip on Ko-fi<\/a> to help keep the lights on.<\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\nSomething to remember about the review and the daters that I put at the end of every review<\/h5>\n
Like this:<\/h3>\n